HOWEVER. It has come to my attention, most unfortunately, that I have apparently not been very good at making friends here. I'm not exactly sure why that is. Perhaps it is due to my need to feel safe or secure, or my fear of being judged for my personality, but for whatever reason, to people in my dorm especially, I have a reputation for being very mean, uninterested, and completely dissociated from everyone else. Like, I'm really not kidding. It's something people actually discuss behind my back, which doesn't really bother me in and of itself, but it bugs me that I am giving this vibe off and I don't even realize it.
Alex (roommate) and I discussed it for a brief period of time this evening (it was actually quite heated) but he brought up some good points. First, I apparently completely lack confidence of any kind. This is difficult for me to hear, because I USED to think I had quite a bit of confidence and self-esteem. I USED to think I came across as a stable and confident, self-assured guy, but apparently, that is not the case here at all. Second, I have a reputation for being mean to people. Now, those of you who know me well are aware that I can be really mean if I want to be. However, let's face it that the reality is that I intend to be, in those situations. Here though, I haven't been around people enough to be giving this vibe. In fact, I thought I was being quite polite and nice to people, trying to introduce myself, trying to be friendly, but it isn't coming across that way at all. Third, I apparently have no personality. Those people that don't think I'm a complete self-absorbed jerk think that I'm dull and lame. I'm sick of it, quite frankly, but it's hard to know how to fix it. Alex seems to be just FULL of wisdom on this matter, but quite frankly I take most of what he says with a grain of salt.
However, I think he makes some good points. He does bring up the fact (very bluntly) that I immediately make a very bad first impression on people, which is something I MUST work on. He also made the good point that I haven't really tried to make friends with people from the school, which is true. I've been somewhat stuck on trying to stand apart and trying to not be pulled into their lifestyle that I've completely forgotten my entire goal in coming here, which was to show them that Christians can be just as effective and successful (whatever that means) in this industry as anyone else. It was a good slap in the face to hear that I have completely separated myself from my peers here, which is not a good thing. We are called to be salt and light IN the world, not outside of it. I think that is exactly what Jesus was talking about when He said, you must be in the world but not of it. In other words, and how this translates to my personal situation is, I MUST be engaged in the lives of the people around me. Up till now, I have tried so hard to be separated from them, which has not helped matters at all. In order to effect any kind of change, and in order to pursue my career and my calling to the best of my ability, I must be able to see people from all walks of life, all lifestyles, all facets of diversity, and love them as Christ loves them. I need to visualize others as children of God, created in His image and made in His likeness. Only then will I be able to make any kind of impact whatsoever.
Well, I'm tired and I have class early tomorrow, so I shall bid you all good night. I hope the above made sense, but it's kind of hard to nail all of this down into cohesive thoughts sometimes. Thank you for reading!
Things to pray for:
- Continue to pray for the development of a Bible study. It is in the works, and looks like God is working there.
- Pray for my attitude while adjusting to everything new and different. Pray for God's guidance in making friends and connecting with the people here at school.
- Pray for dedication and perseverance as classes start. This is a very tough program.
- Finally, pray for the people of NYC and the Christians here who are working to make an impact. It's a city very lost, but also very valuable and I feel there is much to be gained.
Ciao
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